Hellboy has Sex in Skyrim
by Darkspawndweller04
Summary: Hellboy becomes a sadistic asshole and his friends decide to do something about him. They open a magic portal and send him to Skyrim where he engages in weird sex with Rieklings. Contains diarrhea, death and a disembodied dong.


Hellboy was sick of waiting around at the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defence HQ. There was nothing for him to do and he'd eaten all the Baby Ruth bars in the whole building so naturally he was grumpy. He set out on a stroll around the building to find things to do. This is what he did to each of his friends:

Abe Sapien:

* Hellboy tried to dunking Abe Sapien's head into the toilet but this was no fun at all because Abe was a fish guy and could breathe underwater and therefore didn't try to resist or anything so it wasn't enjoyable for Hellboy.

* He adapted his tactics and started dunking Abe's head in the toilet when his pet goldfish Harriett was also down there, but Abe just had a weird but nice fish-like conversation with her until Hellboy got bored again and flushed Harriett down the u-bend.

* He eventually discovered that dunking Abe's head in the crapper was far more enjoyable when the toilet was full of porridge, vomit and fresh diarrhea. Nobody could breathe in porridgey-diarrheal-shit-puke. Abe went to rehab to recover from the PTSD that this incident caused. Hellboy inherited his stash of Baby Ruth bars but they were all wet and iced with fish-food.

Liz Sherman:

* Hellboy made sure that whenever she went to sleep he would turn all the sprinklers in the building on and run around yelling "FIRE!" in a loud voice and then imitate the screams of burning mortals. This made Liz very sad because she still had flashbacks of when she lost control of her fire powers and accidentally killed her parents and everyone else in a two block radius in a hideous fiery death of doom and singed hairy flesh. Liz became very withdrawn and rarely left her room as a result as her PTSD started to resurface and she debated following fishcreep into rehab.

* He replaced all of her cigarettes with squidgy fart bucket sticks which gave off the odor of fermenting tiger crap. The whole building was evacuated for ten days whilst it was allowed to air out.

* He decided to take a dump on her bicycle and the crap solidified into concrete poop within a second and the bicycle was forever crap-glued to the floor as a work of modern art that would later be exhibited in the art gallery of Ontario.

The Professor (Hellboy's adoptive dad)

* Hellboy trashed the entire library by having raucous sex with a mirror and a large goat at 3 in the morning when everyone was asleep. The goat screamed like this "MEEEEEEEEREEEAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Everyone was very concerned for the goats welfare and annoyed at the sexy disruption.

* He dismembered the goat with the sharp end of a sculpture of the state of Nevada and then hid the remains in the Professor's private shower cubicle. Upon discovery the old man jet propelled himself out of the room with excessive diarrhea and broke his arm, which then got infected with dysentry from the shit and goat stuff.

* Hellboy kept streaking during important meetings and therefore all of the Professor's friends stayed away or became blind from the magical sight of Hellboy's massive red dong.

After a while, as you can see from his mindless vandalism and cold heartedness, the people of the BPRD decided that something drastic had to be done about Hellboy. He had to go. So with the help of some ex-Nazi cultists who masqueraded as scientists working for NASA these days the folks at the BPRD opened a portal to a parallel dimension. They caught Hellboy in a net after engineering a fake meeting so that he would run naked through it and would be easily caught. The ex-Nazi scientist NASA cultists were blinded by the red-dong-sickness but they still managed to throw Hellboy through the portal by his tail and close it permanently.

Hellboy was now naked and standing alone in a snowy paradise. He got all depressed when he realised what a jerk he'd been and that he now had no way to get home because he'd pissed off anyone who ever loved him. He was full of dead hopes and he wandered the cold landscape in sorrow. Suddenly he was falling and be plunged into a tiny house that was only really large enough for his lower half. He smashed everything up in the fall and with his subsequent struggling and the fall had been so traumatic that he had violent and uncontrollable diarrhea all over the tiny house. A small blue goblin creature appeared out of the shit with its spear rasied over it's head. It was obviously really annoyed that some big guy had smashed it's house and then he proceeded to spear Hellboy in the dong with its spear. The spear went straight into his dong hole and Hellboy almost died with the pain and so shat himself violently again and drowned the small blue goblin in a tidal wave of crappies. He looked around confused and then he saw a dragon circling in the sky and a giant molesting some sheep and he knew that he had appeared in Skyrim. The creature he had killed was a riekling and they always went around in tribal packs so Hellboy knew he had to move fast.

He ran away with half the creature's shack still attached to his leg and covered in shit. Unfortunately the other rieklings followed the crap trail and found Hellboy hiding in an old fishing hut trying to extract the spear from his monumental dong and puking with the stupidity of it all. They spent twenty seven hours repeatedly raping him, shoving their spears into his dong and girating on them like pole dancers, puking up organs in his face and throwing him in the freezing lake whenever he passed out in pain, pleasure or loss of bodily fluids via unholy diarrhea. Hellboy loved this and decided to stay in Skyrim full time and never go home. His dong fell off, he became King of the Rieklings and terrorised the people of Skyrim for all time. He never wore clothes again and his disembodied dong flew around after him like a satanic familiar and caused everyone who saw it to go blind and have sexual relations with wildflowers. Skyrim was a better place for Rieklings.

The end.


End file.
